Frequently Asked Questions
HOW DID YOU GET STARTED?
Bob came home one day and asked me if I had ever considered swinging.
I asked him "swinging what?", thinking he was talking about a swingset.
Little did I know! He then proceeded to dig out a few magazines he had
picked up and asked if perhaps I might be interested. This was the first
time I had heard that people actually did this. I was a bit taken back,
but curious nevertheless.
He told me he had been talking online with a couple (B & F) and they
wanted to meet us. He promised we could go meet them and then go home.
There was no commitment on either of our parts. My initial reaction was
I was scared to death, but Bob said B was very nice and bi and said if I
just wanted to talk to her first to call. Interest was sparked. Bob
called and handed me the phone. I was reassured by B that we would
simply meet for dinner, no commitments. She told me a bit about her.
Mainly that she was bi and that intrigued me. I had several bi
relationships in the past and the idea of the bi experiences with Bob
watching excited me. A few days later, we met them for dinner.
I think it took me 3 hours to figure out what to wear for dinner. I
hadn't been this nervous since High School. We arrived at the restaurant
and B & F had a hug and a rose bud for me. We easily fell into a
wonderful conversation about their adventures in the lifestyle. When it
was time to leave, I was sorry to say good bye. We hugged and kissed in
the parking lot and made promises to get together soon.
The next weekend B & F invited us to their home for dinner and to
watch a movie. This time I was nervous again, but also excited. We had a
great relaxing dinner and afterwards F asked me if I would feel
comfortable watching an x rated movie. I assured him that I would enjoy
it. As we sat in the living room watching the hot scenes on the TV
screen. B & F started to caress each other, while Bob and I snuggled and
watch with interest. Soon Betsy told me that she gives great massages
and had wonderful oils. She asked if she could give me a massage. After
I said yes she took my hand and we went into the bedroom where she lit
some candles and had me lay down on the bed. She slowly took off my
blouse and skirt, leaving on my bra and underwear so I would feel
comfortable. When things started to heat up, the guys wandered down the
hall and asked if they could join us. By this time, I didn't hesitate
one minute!
After this great evening, we were together many times. We had dinner
at each other's homes, went to movies together, out to the theater and
to restaurants. We developed a great friendship that the sex just
enhanced. B & F introduced us to more of their friends and soon our
social calendar exploded and we were invited to our first house party.
This next step was another stretch for me. There would be a dozen or
so couples there. We called the host and hostess up and said we would
like to come to the party but this would be our first party. They
invited us over for coffee to meet them ahead of time. D & MJ were great
at making us feel comfortable. They explained to us about their
experiences in the lifestyle and what to expect at the party. They also
told us that if we didn’t want to do anything, we simply needed to say
no.
It took me probably 6 hours this time to pick out what to wear! We
arrived for the party and D & MJ introduced us to several people there.
B & F stayed by our sides making sure we were comfortable. We didn’t do
much that first evening but watch. But boy oh boy what interesting
sites. At one point, we glanced into the living room and couldn't
believe the sites we saw. Not once throughout the evening did we feel
pressured into doing anything we didn't want to. When I was asked to
participate, I simply said I was taking baby steps and not quite ready
to jump in yet. When we went home, we had the most incredible evening of
lovemaking.
After our first party, we felt that this was the right thing for us.
The people we had met so far were the warmest, friendliest folks we had
ever met.
DON'T YOU GET JEALOUS AT ALL?
There is nothing for us to be jealous about. Neither of us are
looking for anyone to replace the other. This is something we do
together….as a couple. It takes a while before you "get it" What we mean
is that it takes a while before you understand that when we are playing
with other people, there are no emotions involved. Bob is fond of saying
that only he makes love to me. This is true for both of us. It's just
all about fun, its just sex, recreational sex. Bob also says that its
our hobby, we don't like to build model airplanes or collect stamps. We
both love sex.
I JUST WANT TO BE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, IS THAT OK?
When we began this lifestyle, that's what I wanted too. There are
many couples in which the wife wants to play with another woman and just
have the husbands watch. It depends on what the other people's rules
are. Bob and I had a set of rules that we constantly revised and in fact
still revise. But communication is the key. Talk , talk , talk. In fact,
I think one of the greatest benefits of being in the lifestyle is your
increased ability to talk with your partner. Its important that you set
up some guidelines for yourselves. The most important things is to be
upfront with the people you meet so that you do not lead them on. Most
everyone is understanding and remember, we were all new once.
TELL ME ABOUT CANDLELIGHT..WHAT GOES ON THERE?
CandleLight Associates is an adult club. There are a lot of
misconceptions about what goes on there. Most people think you walk in
the door and there are people having sex all over the place. That is not
true at all.
CandleLight Associates is more like any other dance club…except the
dancing is much hotter!
The energy level is amazing and there is the feeling of freedom
unlike anything you have ever experienced.
WHAT IF I SEE SOMEONE I KNOW THERE?
Remember they are there for the same reason you are. Discretion is of
the utmost importance to anyone in the lifestyle. There is a common bond
that is evident and everyone respects everyone else's privacy. No one
advertises that they are or that anyone else is a member.
HOW DO I MEET PEOPLE AT THE CLUB?
It is a very social atmosphere. Everyone in very friendly. For the
first-timer, it may seem cliquish, but that is only because there are
many regulars and they know each other. Our members make a genuine
effort to meet the new folks. We have themes for our parties and its
always a good conversation starter. Also participate in the mingle games
we play. You just have to be a little
social. Sometimes you meet people just on the dance floor. A look, a smile..or even a soft brush often begins a conversation. It's easy to
make friends and meet new people.
MY HUSBAND WON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE IF ANOTHER MAN APPROACHES ME. HOW
DO WE HANDLE THAT?
It's an unwritten rule that women rule in the lifestyle. One of the
best parts about going to a club is that they are not "meat markets"
like all the other straight clubs. Most men are not aggressive, even the
single men and people generally move about as a couple. There are
exceptions as there are to any rule.
IS IT OKAY IF WE DON'T "DO" ANYTHING?
The golden rule of our club and any other lifestyle event or club
that I've ever been to has always been the "No means No." Before you
attend any event, you must communicate with each other and set up some
ground rules and a way to signal to your partner if you want to proceed
or if you don't! It is very important to set up your ground rules so no
one is put on the spot if a situation comes up. Take small steps, don't
leap into anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Many people will
attend a dance and that's it. Just the situation of being there and
watching the crowd is very erotic and makes for a fun evening when the
two of you get home. No one is keeping a scorecard on you.
WHAT ARE YOUR RULES FOR EACH OTHER?
Our rules change as we are in the lifestyle longer, yours will too.
One of our first rules was that no matter what we did during the
evening, we always ended it in each other arms. We also make sure that
the other is comfortable with the couple before we do anything. We have
a secret code word that we use to give the go ahead to each other. LOL
We like to play together within arms reach of each other, but its not a
die cast rule. It might be for you and it used to be for us in the
beginning. We don't do "mercy fucks". If Bob is dying for the woman in
the couple and I just don't get along with the guy, we'll pass. We never
say why, just no thank you. We've found when you try to explain, that's
what leads to ill feelings. We always use condoms with other partners.
You'll have to discuss what's good for you and make your own set of
rules.
MY WIFE IS NOT INTERESTED. HOW CAN I GET HER TO THE CLUB?
You can't, if she is not interested in going. That is not to say that
there are not ways to bring it up in conversation. Perhaps you can tell
her about the lifestyle. Remember its something you want to explore
together. We firmly believe that "Swingers don't Cheat and Cheaters
don't Swing." Perhaps find out how she feels about going and just
observing and I will be glad to talk with her if she has questions.
In my experience, there are two types of couples who go to the clubs:
- Couples very much in love and who wish to explore new
experiences
- Couples whose marriage is on the rocks and who think this
lifestyle will fix things
#2 never works.
I AM A SINGLE MALE. CAN YOU SET ME UP WITH A SINGLE GIRL IN THE
LIFESTYLE?
This might be the #1 most asked question. No we can't do this. Attend
the dances, smile, be respectful, be honest, maybe it will happen.
CAN WE FIND SINGLE BI-FEMALES AT THE CLUB?
And this is #2. Yes, there are some single females there, but they
are unique like unicorns. Some are looking for couples, some are just
looking to meet other females. If you are interested in just female
play, it is a lot easier to find a couple just like yourselves who are
into just "female play" where the men don't participate.
WHAT ABOUT HIV?
We all know that the AIDS virus is transmitted through body fluids.
The only way to be sure you're safe is never to have sex at all! (and
don't use IV drug, etc.) However, we know that's not reality! If you
agree to both use condoms, that will not totally eliminate the risk. It
will help, but you need to also consider using dental dams, condoms or
saran wrap when having oral sex as well. (What if you have a cut in your
mouth and you have oral sex with an infected person?) A lot of couples
today are deciding not to have any intercourse with other people to be
safer. It's a life and death decision that you're dealing with here, so
don't belittle it. Some couples say that you have just as good a chance
of being hit by a bus, and maybe they're right. However, why would you
take a risk that you could avoid so simply? You are talking about your
lives, you know.
I have found that within the lifestyle most people do take
precautions and those that don't are often shunned. But this is a
personal decision and neither Bob nor I can or will police what you do
privately.
IS EVERYONE GORGEOUS IN THE LIFESTYLE?
Boy, was this a big question for me when I got started! The answer is
no. We are not Ken & Barbie, but we've done just fine. Most
swingers are regular people. We all take very good care of ourselves,
but the average age of the lifestyler is 30-50 ish. Our advice to you is
this: we understand that you are concerned about how you look, but if
you are considering swinging, make friends first. It's a lot more
comfortable to be friends than just doing people you don't know.
HOW DID THE CLUB GET STARTED?
After we attended our first party, things spiraled. We met more and
more folks and become more and more popular. D & MJ became great
friends. D & MJ continued to have parties in their home every other
month and started to have parties on their off month. Our last house
party was over 50 people. A bit large for our home!. We decided along
with D & MJ to start a club together and to rent a facility in which to
hold parties.
Thus the birth of CandleLight Associates. We became popular quickly.
D & MJ then decided to move out of the area. Bob and I continued with
CandleLight. The club has changed in recent years. We started out
meeting in townhouses. There was no dance area, just friendly folks.
Today we have over 350 member couples. We continue to listen to our
members advice. And we still believe that our members make the club.
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